Updated: Dec 29, 2022
"Ready to turn the page on a difficult past and find love again? Our ultimate guide offers expert advice and practical tips for healing and letting go, so you can approach your next relationship or marriage with confidence and hope."
Firstly, healing from past pain or emotional wounds and letting go of negative patterns and behaviors is really the first step towards a successful marriage and relationships since it will help to ensure that you are ready and able to fully commit to a new partnership. The reason why we had issues and difficulty in the past is because we had some deficiency and needed to learn something about ourselves in the process.
Going though this framework on healing and letting go will prevent you from issues resurfacing and allow individuals to approach their new relationship with a clear and open heart.
Individuals who experience past pain or emotional wounds - perhaps they have experiencesa death of a love one, a divorce , heartbreak, abusive childhood, betrayal etc whatever those incidences might be, they carry all the pain and baggage in them and this is what we call as trauma. Trauma is not what happens to you, it's what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you. And so, not every negative incident will transform into trauma, but only those incidences which has a significant meaning to you.
Trauma according to Dr. Gabor Mate , is a psychic wound that hardens you psychologically that then interferes with your ability to grow and develop. Because of those incidences, you are now acting out of pain and out of fear. So this blocks you ability to grow and develop as a human being.
The Trauma we experiences creates a sense of loss and grief. Whether it's a minor trauma or a huge incident, we never get over that trauma because our thoughts are made up of memories but what we need to do is to learn how to manage it and move pass the grief and loss we feel.
In order to move forward through the trauma is to grief properly and this is where I will teach you how to do so with a structured framework. It will take some time and dedication for you, about 15mins - 45min daily to go though this framework if you really want to detox yourself from your past trauma. It takes you mind 63 days at least to see any kind of readjustment if you are diligently doing these inner work.
You might think, "Hey, I’m not grieving or I'm not actually feeling loss" However if you have the feeling of shame , blaming and guilt, that is a sign that you are grieving.
What is Shame, Guilt and Blame?
Shame is a focus on self, i.e of Shame is “I am bad. I am useless. I am worthless”
Guilt is a focus on your behaviour . i.e of Guilt is “I did something bad.” “ I lied” “ If only I did..."
Blame is pushing any sense of responsibility on someone else, on yourself or on God/ Universe. i.e of Blame is " why did God bring this upon me?" "My ex was the one, he cheated on me.." " If only I had left the relationship earlier.."
Key things you should remember:
Acknowledge any signs of grief (guilt, shame, blame), recognise it and never suppress and push away the trauma we feel but learn how to manage it and move forward with it .Time doesn't heal all wounds but time teaches you how to manage it and move through the grief.
Learn how to conceptualise the grief and loss and look at different perspective to change the narrative of the incident
More on this in the framework below.
Framework to detoxing Trauma
(taken from NeuroCycle a scientific neuroplasticity method on detoxing your mind)
1. Relate what was the incident that happened.
i.e: My ex cheated on me.
2. Notice and Gather awareness of your physical and emotional warning triggers during that incident.
I want you to relate to yourself what they were.
When i confronted him, I feel angry and frustrated because he was denying it. I felt my heart began to race, and my voice went up. I couldn't believe I trusted him all these years.
i.e: Body sensation:
My heart was palpitating , body tensed up and I experience a mental fog, I couldn't think at all.
3. Allow yourself to grief and feel that loss.
Do not suppress any feeling that comes up. Embrace and be with it for as long as you need. Add the breathing technique (point 4.) to assist you.
4. Breathing technique
Breath in for 3 sec and say," think feel" as you breath in and then breath out for 7 second and say "choose" while breathing out.
When you do this breathing technique, you get a burst of energy at the front of your brain and that increase your decision making capability because it balances the oxygen in the two front part of the brain.
Step 2: Triggers
Reflect why you are feeling these triggers in your body and mind. Get into a discussion with yourself. Ask, answer and discuss. - Why are you feeling that way?
I e. Why am I feeling sad and angry? I am feeling this way because I lost time -20 years on my life in this relationship. I dedicated my time, energy and effort only to be cheated.
Also ask yourself the next question - What have you learn from that incident?
I.e: I learn that I can’t trust anyone or I learn that I should have left the relationship earlier when I saw the red flags.
Step 3: Writing it all down
Use the metacog method of writing out your reflections and your thoughts from Step 1 and 2. (image below is only an example of a metacog writing)
1. Take a piece of paper and begin at the middle of the page. Write down your 'main story' and draw a circle around it.
i.e: My ex cheated on me!
2. Draw a line out of your middle circle from your main story and write down your triggers. These triggers are splitted into two branches - they are emotions you experience from your story/ incident and what you feel from your physical bodily sensation. Write these down.
When i confronted him, I felt angry and frustrated because he was denying it. I felt my heart began to race, and my voice went up. I couldn't believe I trusted him all these years.
i.e: Body sensation:
My heart was palpitating , body tensed up and I experience a mental fog and couldn't think at all.
3. Draw another line from the middle of the circle and write - What is your behaviour as a result of the incident, loss ?
i.e: I don't feel like talking to anyone. I don’t feel happy anymore, I can’t eat.
4. Draw another line from the middle of the circle and write - What is your perspective on your story or incident?
i.e: I can't change my circumstance, can't trust anyone. I can’t believe I trusted him and I'm angry because I lost so much time!
Recheck what you have written and how your thoughts and feelings have changed. Add in more information if you find the need to do so by creating more 'branches' in your metacog. Re-look at what you wrote and reflect on it.
Step 4: Different Perspective
Looking at a different angle from your original perspective you have written. Challenge those thoughts.
I e: Have you really not been able to trust anyone ? Have you really not been able to change your condition? Could it be that you have been honest and strong person but the other person was broken? Or maybe you have learn new skills out of the whole incident maybe you are now more aware?
Was there any part you played that could have contributed to this main story/incident? Perhaps you stayed in the relationship when there's obvious red flags.
Step 5: Active Reach: taking action to re-conceptualise your thinking
With the information that you had from Step 4, what will you implement in the future?
i.e I’m working on acknowledging my worth and my value as a person and I would walk away earlier in the relationship as soon as I see any red flags.
The process of 5 stages of grief and loss
I’m sure some of you would know about the 5 stages of grief and loss. When we go through anything in life, whether its a small form of trauma or a more sever one, we will fall into any one of the following stages listed here:
Here are the 5 stages of grief:
Sadness or depression,
There is not a singular way where you will move from denial to acceptance in a systematic order. You will feel any for this stage at any random order and It's different experience for different people. You must allow urself to feel it and allow yourself to move forward with the emotions. Use the neurocycle framework that I have already listed to process what you are feeling and re-conseptualise your mindset into a positive one when you experience those feelings again.
If you try to deny and suppress your emotions by guilt, blame and shame, you will be stuck in the detoxing precess. For example you say to yourself.."It’s been 8 months, I should be better by now but i’m not!”. Instead of that, tell yourself it's okay to not be ok after 8 months. "I'm going to embrace the feeling and run through the framework of detoxing trauma again. I'm going to allow myself to experience this felling and move forward."
When we go through any form of lost, the mind has to go through the process of grief the right way in order to adjustment and adapt. The brain needs to rewire itself again. It's takes a cycle of 63 days to see any kind of readjustment but essentially we will never get over grief. The memories are there of the person or incident but we will be able to re-wrire our mind to move forward and heal, making it more manageable less impactful and more resilient as time goes on. It is ok to feel the feelings from time to time since we won't ever forget a memory whether it be 8 months later or 10 years later.
Remember, going through the proper grieving process will help to ensure that you are ready and able to fully commit to a new partnership. The reason why we had issues and difficulty in the past is because we had some deficiency and needed to learn something about ourselves in the process. Take the time to fully detox yourself from your past traumas in order to deter the same pattern of behaviour and circumstance into your life again.
Pin this on Pinterest: