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Why you can't find true love until you love yourself first

Updated: Oct 3, 2022



There is no one definition of "true love," but most people would agree that it involves caring deeply for another person and being committed to them in good times and bad. True love is often described as a loving, selfless feeling that is all-consuming and eternal.


You might come across books or articles describing a few signs as true love such as the following:


1. You can't imagine your life without the other person.


2. You're always happy when you're together.


3. You never get tired of spending time with them.


4. You always support and encourage each other.


5. You never hesitate to sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of the relationship.


6. You would do anything to make the other person happy.


7. You feel a deep connection with them that goes beyond physical attraction.


8. You can't imagine life without them.


If you're feeling these things for another person, is it possible that you're experiencing true love or could you just be experiencing co-dependency or a toxic attachment style?

Most of us unfortunately have learn about love from our primary caretaker, family members and even movies.


Can you imagine having to sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of the relationship? That's not what true love is about. True love is about an equal partnership. It's not obsession, its not self sacrificing and it's not about fixing the other partner. The other person is not your source of happiness, but instead you should be able to generate happiness on your own independent of others.



The pathway to true love always begin with the relationship you have with yourself. Taking those 8 points, lets change the language slightly and project it inwardly:



1. You can't imagine your life without having a deep connection with yourself



2. You're always happy when you're engaging with yourself



3. You never get tired of spending time with yourself



4. You always support and encourage yourself



5. You never hesitate to sacrifice for your own happiness (ethically without harming anyone in the process)


6. You would do anything to make yourself happy (ethically without harming anyone in the process)


7. You feel a deep connection with yourself that goes beyond physical beauty


8. You can't imagine life without being present with yourself



Do you think you could ever truly love someone if you can't even generate that level of love and connection with yourself? From my perspective, the answer is a resounding no.


If you want to experience true love in your life, the best place to start is by developing a deeper relationship with yourself. Once you're able to do that, everything else will fall into place.


According to Harville Hendrix : "Love is an act that is accompanied by a feeling, but it is not a feeling itself. It is the behavioral commitment of one person to the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual potential and welfare of another person"

So if love isn't a feeling, what is it? Love is an action. It's a decision that you make to commit to someone else's welfare — not just when they're being lovable, but also when they're being difficult or even impossible to love. That's what true love looks like. It's not always butterflies and rainbows; it's being with someone through the good times and the bad times.


When you have that kind of commitment with yourself first, you are able to have a healthier, more balanced and equal relationship with someone else. Because you know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of true love, you can give that same love back to another person. You will begin to know how you want someone else to treat you , because you treat yourself with that same level of love and respect. You will have a deeper understanding of what you will accept and what you won't in a relationship, because you know your own worth, standards and boundaries.


The bottom line is that you can't truly love someone else if you don't love yourself first. If you want to experience true love in your life, the best place to start is by developing a deeper relationship with yourself. Once you're able to do that, everything else will fall into place. From there, you will have a much healthier, more balanced and equal relationship with someone else. Because you know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of true love, you can give that same love back to another person. You will begin to know how you want someone else to treat you, because you treat yourself with that same level of love and respect. So if you're wondering how to find true love, the answer is simple: start with yourself.



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